My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
You Might Also Like
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
tis the season
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water