My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased