Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please