Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.