My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
You Might Also Like
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
sometimes we need to be reminded
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.