Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

🇺🇸🤭

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

🙁

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.