My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I need to get some bricks…
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.