My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
scrabbled eggs
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.