Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.