Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Traveler’s camo

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.