@BradBroaddus

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@AllanForsyth

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@atanya1111

So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.

@djdarrellripley

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

@MamaFlores

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.