Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.