My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.