Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.