My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
