Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Hey i am sexy to you now

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

White parent Vs Arab parents