My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes