Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

The Compass

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.