@BattyMclain

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

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@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

@SentenceReduced

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

@YuckyTom

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@abby0mal

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

@pilau

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.