My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

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Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.


Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.


Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.


when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican


Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality


By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them


sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom


Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.