My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You Might Also Like
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
These 3D printers are insane!
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here