My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.