My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.