My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
You Might Also Like
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Not today, today.
Not today.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.