Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

This poor dog

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭