My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.