Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

This one, by a wide margin

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*