Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted