Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my cat write this

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

😐

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

Breaking news:

Basketball

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.