Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.