Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit