Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

😂

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Wait a second…

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”