My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Stop sending me this shit.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?