My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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Worst bar ever.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature