My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM