My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather