My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.