Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

i will not be silenced

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.