Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.