My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic