I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs