Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

wishing you and yours all the best

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.