Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Haha! 😂

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Namaste

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.