My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
So, can we agree on 4 or
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
You had me at “define legal”.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?