My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Don’t tell me what to do
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort