Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.