My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
your daddy is a what now?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
No Google it does not
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.