Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*