[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I am HOWLING at this
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
