God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.