[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
