[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My Plans 2020
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”