My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t