My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You Might Also Like
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist