My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me My dog
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I’m not sorry.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today