My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
