Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

the Monday after daylight savings

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.