Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Me when I hear gossip

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good