Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.