My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Truth
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire