My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
bugs when you lift up a rock
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I only treason on days ending in y
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?