Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*