My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
O Wise One….
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat