My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Butt weight. There’s more!
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.