My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.