My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
bags with threatening auras
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
still the best tweet of the year by far
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*