Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

what it’s like dating me:

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!