My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”