My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
We all have our pet causes.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Yup
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party