My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes