My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
the short answer to this question
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Best spoiler warning ever
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.