My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change