Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

Birds & Planes.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Looking at you, Jesus.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.