Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Cartman: Respect my
a a